I know it's been a long time since I've checked in, but I wanted to take some time to update you all on what is going on in my life right now. Before I start writing, I just want you all to know that writing this post is really difficult because it's causing me to process and reflect on everything that's happened within the past month or so.
There have been so many moments when I've been so frustrated I just wanted to walk out of school, pack up all my things, and make the 17 hour drive back home, never looking back. The first few weeks are always the hardest, but there's this fear inside of me that says it will never get better and I will always wake up with my stomach in knots. I know I need to get over this fear because it's debilitating and it doesn't allow me to be as effective as I need to be.
Something I've been learning is that instead of focusing on everything that is wrong, I need to start approaching problems with "I need to get better at X as fast as possible." Whether that is lesson planning, classroom management, grading, what have you, the important thing is to understand and accept that yes, I am not perfect, but instead of focusing on that, I need to focus on getting better at X as fast as possible.
That's been really difficult. I tend to get stuck when I'm thinking of areas I need to improve and rather than thinking how I can get better, I just sit and stew in my misery.
I know I need to go back to the reasons why I am doing this, and I'm wondering if the saying is true; that you need to hit rock bottom before you can actually start climbing back up out of the abyss. Every day I think about how miserable I am, but in the greater scope of reality, I am fortune and blessed, two things I take for granted. I wonder if that means I'm starting my journey back up from the bottom.Maybe.
Thanks for all of you who have been praying for me on a daily basis. It gets me through the day and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.
My principal gave me some great advice the other day: Have you hurt any children? If the answer is no, then ask yourself if your students are walking home at the end of the day with a smile on their faces. If the answer is yes, then you have succeeded. The end goal is to create a positive and nurturing environment for your students with whatever time is allotted to you. Keep chugging along. You're making more strides than you realize. :)
ReplyDelete